The Speaking Coach: The One Word All Liars Use! Stop Saying This Word, It's Making You Sound Weak!

Jefferson Fisher, a board-certified trial attorney, shares insights on effective communication and conflict resolution. He emphasizes the power of words and how they can transform relationships and personal outcomes. Fisher advises against trying to win arguments, as this often leads to losing relationships. Instead, he suggests viewing arguments as opportunities to understand and unravel issues. He also highlights the importance of controlling one's breath and maintaining calm during disagreements to prevent the fight-or-flight response. Fisher's approach encourages asking questions like "What am I missing?" to foster understanding and connection.

• When faced with belittling or disrespectful behavior, resist the urge to retaliate. Instead, employ a strategic pause and request repetition to de-escalate the situation.
• Silence and strategic questioning can be powerful tools in managing conflicts and shifting control dynamics.
• Winning arguments should not be the goal; preserving relationships and understanding should be prioritized.
• Effective communication involves unraveling arguments, not winning them, by asking questions like "What am I missing?"

"When somebody is belittling you or being rude or being disrespectful, what we typically want to do is throw it right back because now we got to win. Instead of that, here's what I would want you to do: one, you're going to have 5 to 7 seconds of silence; two, you're going to ask them to say it again because a lot of time in arguments people take it back."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of pausing and seeking clarification in conflicts, which can lead to de-escalation and control of the situation.

"I teach that you never want to win an argument. When you look to win an argument, you will often lose the relationship."

• Highlighting the significance of prioritizing relationships over winning arguments, which can lead to better long-term outcomes.

• Trial attorneys resolve conflicts through advocacy and litigation, often seeking compensation for non-recoverable losses.
• Articulation and persuasion are crucial skills for trial attorneys, impacting the outcome of legal disputes.
• Jefferson Fisher's background and experience as a fifth-generation trial attorney have honed his skills in storytelling and questioning.

"I help people resolve conflict, resolve problems. So, if you have a problem with someone, you have a choice: do you go and just punch them in the mouth, or do you sue them?"

• This illustrates the role of a trial attorney in conflict resolution through legal means rather than physical confrontation.

"I grew up... I got picked up and taken to my dad's deposition... I got to see firsthand courtroom stories."

• Fisher's early exposure to the legal field and courtroom dynamics shaped his skills in litigation and persuasion.

• Effective communication is pivotal in various aspects of life, including career opportunities, relationships, and personal satisfaction.
• The ability to articulate ideas can provide a significant advantage in the content-driven world of podcasts and media.
• Poor communication can lead to negative self-talk, relationship issues, and a cycle of dissatisfaction.

"Where you've been in your whole life comes down to your communication and how you handle conflict."

• This underscores the profound impact of communication skills on personal and professional outcomes.

"The more and more we head into this sort of content YouTube podcasting world... if you can communicate effectively, the unfair advantage you will have in your life... is just completely disproportionate."

• Emphasizes the competitive edge effective communication provides in the content-driven media landscape.

• Improving communication skills involves controlling emotional responses and maintaining calm in conversations.
• Techniques such as the "physiological sigh" can help manage fight-or-flight responses and maintain composure.
• The importance of pausing before responding to ensure thoughtful and considered communication.

"When you're in an argument with somebody, what happens automatically is your fight or flight starts to take over."

• Highlights the natural stress response in conflicts and the need for techniques to manage it.

"Let your breath be the first word that you say."

• Emphasizes the role of controlled breathing in maintaining composure and control during conversations.

• Assertive communication balances respect for oneself and others, allowing for direct and honest expression.
• Confidence in communication is achieved through assertiveness rather than aggression or passivity.
• Techniques for assertive communication include avoiding filler words like "just" and focusing on concise, direct language.

"Confidence is not what you have before; confidence is the outcome, and you get to that by saying things that are assertive."

• Explains that confidence is built through practice and assertive communication, not as a prerequisite.

"The more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie."

• Highlights the importance of concise communication in conveying honesty and credibility.

• Self-awareness and emotional intelligence are crucial for effective communication and avoiding manipulation.
• People pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries and saying no, which can be addressed through assertive communication.
• Personal growth in communication involves developing the ability to assert beliefs and values confidently.

"You can please people; just make sure that you're one of them."

• Emphasizes the importance of self-care and setting boundaries while maintaining positive relationships.

"Every conversation is actually a test—a test of your conviction and how much you value yourself."

• Reflects on the growth and assertiveness required in professional and personal interactions.

• Over-apologizing for minor issues can gradually erode self-esteem and self-worth.
• Instead of apologizing excessively, use expressions of gratitude to maintain self-confidence and convey appreciation.
• Successful communication involves being concise and direct, avoiding unnecessary apologies or excessive politeness.

"They apologize for things that are not a mistake; they apologize for things that are not errors."

• Over-apologizing for non-errors can diminish one's sense of self-worth and confidence.

"Instead of the over-apologies, what I teach is to use words of gratitude."

• Replacing apologies with gratitude can enhance communication and self-esteem.

• Effective leaders communicate concisely, often using brief and direct messages.
• Wealthy and successful individuals prioritize clear and succinct communication, often omitting formalities.
• Clarity and directness are valued over lengthy explanations in professional communication.

"Your most effective leaders find ways of taking a lot of ideas and words and saying them very concisely."

• Successful leaders excel in conveying complex ideas succinctly.

"Rich people don't even say hello in kind regards on emails; they send emails like text messages."

• Wealthy individuals prefer direct communication without unnecessary formalities.

• Approach difficult conversations by focusing on connection rather than confrontation.
• Use conversational frames: state the topic, desired outcome, and seek buy-in from the other party.
• Avoid the mindset of "winning" an argument, as it can damage relationships.

"Connection is this way of setting up conversations that is going to get you more of what you want."

• Establishing a connection in conversations can lead to more successful outcomes.

"When you look to win an argument, you will often lose the relationship."

• Prioritizing winning in arguments can harm relationships.

• Be curious about the other person's perspective to facilitate effective communication.
• Ask questions to understand deeply held beliefs and create space for new ideas.
• Recognize that past experiences and beliefs influence current reactions and conversations.

"Instead of me pushing my point, I start to get really curious about how did you come to believe that."

• Curiosity about others' beliefs fosters understanding and dialogue.

"The person you see isn't the person you're talking to."

• Recognize that visible behavior may not reflect the true underlying issues.

• Identify and understand personal triggers to manage emotional reactions effectively.
• Allow space and time for individuals to process emotions before addressing issues.
• Avoid pushing conversations on others' timelines to prevent defensive reactions.

"Knowing your trigger is one of the biggest ways to defend against that."

• Understanding personal triggers is crucial for managing emotional responses.

"Problems happen when you try and push people into having conversations on your timeline."

• Forcing conversations can lead to defensiveness and hinder resolution.

• Respond to insults and disrespect with silence, questions of intent, and calmness.
• Avoid escalating situations by not retaliating with similar disrespect.
• Use questions to reflect the other person's behavior back to them, prompting self-reflection.

"The true power is this kind of Be Like Water mentality."

• Responding to disrespect with calmness and flexibility can diffuse tension.

"Did you mean for that to sound rude?"

• Asking questions about intent can prompt reflection and de-escalate conflict.

• Disrespectful behavior often seeks an emotional reaction to gain a sense of control.
• Recognize that such behavior aims to provoke and should be met with calmness.
• Being unresponsive to attempts to provoke can neutralize the power of disrespectful behavior.

"When they say something to be ugly, what they're wanting is your emotion."

• Disrespect aims to provoke an emotional reaction for control.

"Be a soggy piece of bread that they can't do anything with."

• Remaining unresponsive to provocation can neutralize its impact.

• Context plays a crucial role in how communication is perceived, particularly in situations with a significant power dynamic, such as between an intern and a CEO.
• Understanding the context can help one decide whether to confront rudeness or let it pass, depending on the situation and relationship dynamics.

"If there's such a huge power dynamic... it's not the time for me to choose to try and have a way of making him feel bad."

• Context dictates when it is appropriate to address issues directly or when to strategically overlook them for the sake of maintaining professional relationships.

• Establishing conversational boundaries can help manage and diffuse rudeness.
• Techniques like asking someone to repeat a snarky comment can highlight their rudeness and make them reconsider their words.

"When I'm in depositions and somebody has a snarky comment towards me, I'll ask them, 'How did you want me to respond to that?'"

• This approach puts the focus back on the speaker, often making them rethink their rudeness and retract or soften their statement.

• Preparing for difficult conversations involves emotional readiness and self-awareness to avoid reacting defensively.
• It's important to recognize personal triggers and avoid engaging in critical discussions when emotionally drained.

"Never allow myself to be put in a conversation when I'm not ready."

• Acknowledging emotional states verbally can help manage reactions and maintain control over one's responses during challenging interactions.

• Silence can be a powerful tool in conversations, especially when dealing with liars or manipulative individuals.
• A pause in conversation can force the other person to reflect on their words and often leads to them revealing inconsistencies.

"Silence is the number one killer of liars because they have conversations in their head for you."

• Silence can make people uncomfortable and prompt them to fill the void, often exposing their deceit or uncertainty.

• Demonstrating vulnerability and acknowledging imperfection can enhance credibility and trust in communication.
• Admitting mistakes or shortcomings can disarm the other party and foster a more honest and effective dialogue.

"I could have done better... it's really disarming."

• This approach encourages mutual vulnerability and can lead to more constructive and less defensive conversations.

• Treating individuals one dislikes with professionalism and respect can prevent unnecessary conflict and maintain one's integrity.
• Limiting contact and remaining neutral can help manage interactions with difficult people.

"You treat them like they do like you and that you do like them."

• By not providing an adversary, one can avoid escalating tensions and maintain a professional demeanor.

• Effective small talk involves asking open-ended questions to encourage more engaging and meaningful conversations.
• Setting conversational goals can provide direction and purpose, reducing anxiety in interactions.

"You want to have a conversational goal really for any conversation that you're going to have."

• Having a clear objective in mind can help steer conversations towards a desired outcome, making them more productive and satisfying.

• Setting a low-pressure conversational goal, such as asking three questions, can alleviate anxiety and make small talk more effective.
• People enjoy sharing stories about how they arrived at their current situation, which can be more engaging than asking about mundane activities.
• Inquiring about future plans rather than past events can lead to more enthusiastic and engaging conversations.

"Instead of saying I want them to be so impressed with me, what's more impressive is when you're curious about the other person."

• Focusing on curiosity about others can lead to more meaningful interactions.

"If you get them to talk about a story of what led them to their present moment, much better."

• Encouraging storytelling can enhance the depth and engagement of conversations.

• Abraham Lincoln is admired for his ability to integrate former rivals into his cabinet, demonstrating emotional intelligence and leadership.
• Lincoln's storytelling skills and emotional intelligence were pivotal in his leadership style and legacy.

"He turned around and invited those men into his cabinet... it went from them hating him at the beginning... to sobbing at his funeral."

• Lincoln's inclusive approach transformed adversaries into allies, showcasing the power of empathy and understanding.

"He was wonderful at telling stories... people just love to listen to the guy."

• Effective storytelling can be a powerful tool in leadership and communication.

• Spiritual and religious philosophies, such as forgiveness and taking the higher ground, are integral to effective communication.
• The power of words is emphasized in spiritual texts, highlighting the impact of speech on personal and social dynamics.

"It's the power of the tongue... it controls what they think of you, controls your reputation, controls where you're going to go."

• Words hold significant influence over one's reputation and relationships.

"Those who invest in their words... will find that they'll have more peace, more control, more confidence."

• Mindful communication can lead to personal growth and improved interpersonal relationships.

• Improving communication skills is not linear; focus on one area at a time for gradual improvement.
• Identifying and eliminating verbal fillers and unnecessary language can enhance clarity and effectiveness.

"Focus on one rule that they want to improve... don't try to improve your entire everything."

• Incremental improvements in communication can lead to significant overall progress.

"Verbal fillers... it just has a way of cluttering up your sentences."

• Reducing verbal fillers can improve the clarity and impact of communication.

• Setting boundaries and learning to say no can prevent unnecessary stress and maintain mental clarity.
• Honesty in declining invitations or requests is crucial for maintaining genuine relationships.

"If you say no when you need to say no, then it doesn't live in your head rent-free."

• Saying no promptly can prevent lingering anxiety and preserve mental energy.

"Start with the no, then end with the Gratitude."

• Structuring refusals with gratitude can maintain politeness while asserting boundaries.

• Words have a lasting impact, affecting how others perceive and interact with you and others.
• Communication influences not only immediate interactions but also future relationships and behaviors.

"What they say today affects how people think of you... it affects how your children will talk to their children."

• The words we choose can have far-reaching consequences beyond immediate interactions.

"Words will last for a very, very long time... people in high school... remember exactly what you said."

• The impact of words can endure over time, influencing perceptions and memories.

• Effective communication with children involves creating a safe space for open dialogue.
• Encouraging children to express themselves without fear fosters trust and emotional security.

"The most terrifying thought... is that your kid is not going to come to you in their time of need."

• Building a foundation of trust and openness with children is crucial for healthy communication.

"What you say to your kids... they will repeat."

• The way parents communicate with their children sets a precedent for how they will communicate in the future.

• The book emphasizes the transformative power of words and provides practical advice for improving communication.
• Readers are encouraged to recognize the potential of their words to create positive change and resolve conflicts.

"I can teach you how to argue less and talk more by simply changing what you decide to say next."

• The book offers strategies for enhancing communication to foster understanding and reduce conflict.

"All the world needs is one better conversation at a time."

• Each improved conversation contributes to a broader positive impact on personal and social dynamics.