Secret Service Agent: REMOVE PEOPLE From Your Life if They Have THESE RED FLAGS! Evy Poumpouras

Evie Pomus, a former Secret Service agent and author of "Becoming Bulletproof," emphasizes the importance of carefully selecting the people in one's inner circle, likening it to being a bouncer who decides who enters and stays. She discusses the significance of being mission-focused rather than self-centered, a mindset honed during her Secret Service tenure. Pomus also highlights the necessity of humility, acknowledging that everyone has a role beyond their personal importance. Reflecting on her 9/11 experience, she underscores the value of moving forward from trauma without letting it define one's life, advocating for focusing on behavior rather than labeling individuals.

• The people you surround yourself with significantly impact your life and well-being.
• You must be selective about who you let into your life, similar to a bouncer at a door.
• Drama in someone's life can spill over into yours, causing unnecessary stress and conflict.

"The circle of people around you matter. I look at it like this: like you're the bouncer at the door and you decide who comes in and how long they stay, and then you decide who you need to throw out."

• Being selective about your social circle is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional health.

"If you have someone who has a lot of drama in their life, that's a massive red flag because their drama is going to become your drama."

• Drama and chaos from others can negatively affect your life, even if you don't directly engage in it.

• Understanding and identifying harmful personalities such as narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths is important.
• Behavioral signals and red flags can help identify these personalities.

"When we look at true narcissism, there's criteria you have to meet. Some of the research that I had looked at said one out of 25 people will be one of these."

• It's crucial to focus on labeling behaviors rather than people to better manage interactions.

• Personal experiences, such as surviving traumatic events, can shape one's perspective on resilience and healing.
• The importance of staying grounded and composed in the face of adversity is emphasized.

"I went through September 11th. I was in the World Trade Center. I survived. I had colleagues who died, friends who died. I'll tell you this: I can't heal from that. I don't know how to heal from something like that."

• Traumatic experiences can leave lasting impacts, and finding ways to cope and move forward is essential.

• The Secret Service taught valuable skills: the importance of your social circle, being instrumental, and handling stress.
• The rigorous selection process ensures individuals fit into the culture and maintain integrity.

"They did such a great job in the hiring process. I mean, they spent months and months interviewing you, investigating you, talking to your neighbors, figuring out who you are."

• The selection process is thorough to ensure the right fit and integrity among agents.

"You have to look at your inner circle. Who's around me? It's not about niceness or kindness. You want people who treat you well and with respect, but you also have to look at what are these people doing to me."

• Evaluating the impact of people in your life is crucial for maintaining a healthy environment.

• There are two motivational mindsets: identity and instrumental.
• Identity mindset is self-focused and emotional, while instrumental mindset is mission-focused and goal-oriented.

"An identity person is very self-focused. When I'm identity, I'm using the word 'I' a lot. I'm in an emotional space, very egocentric."

• Identity mindset can hinder productivity and problem-solving due to its emotional nature.

"Instrumental is I'm mission-focused, I'm goal-focused. I have a goal, and I'm looking at how to get to that place."

• Instrumental mindset emphasizes progress and solutions, essential for high performance and achieving goals.

• Receiving feedback constructively is crucial for growth and improvement.
• Differentiating between good stress (building resilience) and chronic stress (deteriorating health) is important.

"If the feedback you are getting is accurate and correct and true, then you understand they're giving it to me because I have work to do."

• Constructive feedback should be seen as an opportunity for improvement, not a personal attack.

"Stress that is like, let's say we're doing this interview and we're uncomfortable, that is good stress that builds resilience. The stress that is not good is chronic stress."

• Good stress can strengthen resilience, while chronic stress can harm mental and physical health.

• Training in high-stress environments, like the Secret Service or NYPD, introduces stress incrementally to build resilience.
• The training process weeds out those who cannot handle stress effectively.

"The first day they introduce stress levels to you, and then incrementally they increase the dosage."

• Gradual increase in stress helps individuals adapt and build resilience over time.

"They did want people who couldn't understand that this isn't just about you. If you can't handle the stress in here, how are you going to handle the stress out on the street?"

• The training aims to prepare individuals for real-life high-stress situations by gradually increasing stress levels.

• Being mission-focused helps in achieving goals and maintaining productivity.
• The emphasis is on the mission, not personal feelings or emotions.

"Nobody wants to hear your problems. Nobody cares. Get it done. Nobody cares why this went wrong, how it went wrong. It's fix it, just get to the solution."

• In high-stakes environments, focusing on solutions and progress is essential for success.

"If you have a mission or a focus or a project and you're getting feedback, you have to have an honest conversation with yourself: is there truth to what I'm being told?"

• Honest self-assessment and focusing on the mission help in overcoming personal biases and emotions.

• Identity Sense-Making: Focuses on personal recognition and validation.
• Instrumental Sense-Making: Prioritizes the mission or goal over personal feelings.

"If it's just you, it can be, it's going to be a bit of a struggle."

• Personal focus can lead to struggles and frustrations.

"You can shift from identity to instrumental sense-making, but it requires awareness and a desire to change."

• Change is possible with conscious effort.

"If internalizing everything as an attack on you or a negative on you, it's going to be very hard to accelerate your career in life as well."

• Taking things personally can hinder career and personal growth.

• Team Performance: Emphasizes the importance of contributing to the team’s success.
• Service Focus: Adopting a mindset of serving the team or mission leads to greater harmony and fulfillment.

"If you're taking it personally and not just doing whatever it takes to serve the team, you're probably not going to play that much and you're going to be frustrated."

• Personal attitudes can impact team participation and satisfaction.

"Making it about the mission as opposed to self."

• Focusing on the mission brings more harmony and fulfillment.

• Importance of Coachability: Being open to feedback and willing to improve for the collective goal.
• Traits of Coachable Individuals: Willingness to listen and adapt for better performance.

"We're all coachable because we've been trained to focus on the outcome, the team, what's the collective goal."

• Coachability is crucial for team success and personal improvement.

"The hiring process was massively invasive; if you don't want anybody in your business, not the job for you."

• Intense selection process ensures candidates are coachable and mission-focused.

• Role of Humility: Recognizing one’s place within a larger mission and not overestimating self-importance.
• Balancing Confidence and Humility: Raising children to be confident yet humble.

"You're taught to put other things ahead of yourself; you're taught that you're not that special."

• Humility is ingrained through training and essential for teamwork.

"As a mom, I have to fight the instinct to help her, to pick her up, to take care of her."

• Teaching children to process emotions and overcome challenges independently fosters humility.

• Encouraging Independence: Allowing children to struggle and solve problems on their own.
• Balancing Support and Challenge: Providing emotional support while encouraging self-reliance.

"I leave her and let her struggle and figure it out. I will let her cry and tell her you can do it."

• Promotes resilience and problem-solving skills in children.

"I want her to struggle, I want her to learn at a young age to overcome."

• Early challenges prepare children for future independence and success.

• Four Personality Types: Average, Reserved, Self-Centered, and Role Model.
• Animal Archetypes: Lion, T-Rex, Mouse, and Monkey, each representing different traits and behaviors.

"Lion likes to be in control, T-Rex fights, Mouse is submissive, Monkey is social and engaging."

• Different archetypes describe varied personality traits and behaviors.

"We move through these because you're not one thing and you're different things with different people."

• People can exhibit different archetypes in different contexts.

• Good and Bad Traits: Each archetype has positive and negative manifestations.
• Awareness and Control: Recognizing and managing one's dominant archetype for better interactions.

"If I'm a good T-Rex, I'm direct, frank, and forthright. If I'm a bad T-Rex, I'm dogmatic, sarcastic, and punitive."

• Understanding and moderating one’s archetype traits is crucial for positive interactions.

"Good Mouse seeks guidance and asks questions. Bad Mouse is weak, submissive, and avoidant."

• Awareness of archetype traits helps in improving personal and professional relationships.

• Self-Assessment: Identifying one’s dominant archetypes and their manifestations.
• Contextual Adaptation: Adjusting behaviors based on situational demands and relationships.

"You can be a very strong personality at work but a different one at home."

• Adapting personality traits to fit different environments and relationships.

"You sit back, let me have the floor, you let me speak and explain. You're good Mouse when you interview people."

• Effective communication involves adapting one’s role to facilitate productive interactions.

• Good Monkey: Social, warm, respectful behaviors.
• Bad Monkey: Overly eager, trying too hard to please, akin to a pushy car salesman.

"Bad Monkey is and you probably for sure get this hey you know I really want to come on your show hey you know here's my book or hey here's this guy or hey do you can you get me tickets to this or hey I saw you in Success magazine and I really wanted can I talk to the editor there."

• Bad Monkey behaviors are characterized by excessive requests and attempts to leverage connections.

• Pay attention to behavior; people reveal themselves if you give them space.
• Let people talk about themselves; it provides insights into their personality.

"Shut up the first day when I went to polygraph training instructor got up there and they said you want to you want to be king or queen and what you reading people shut up give people space to reveal themselves stop talking they'll show you first of all people love to speak talk about themselves so let them let them go and then you can ask questions."

• By listening more and talking less, you can better understand who is in front of you.

• Let the other person speak 80% of the time and you speak 20% of the time.
• Ask questions to encourage the other person to share more about themselves.

"I call it it's 8020 80% of the time they speak 20% of the time you speak."

• This approach helps in understanding the other person's interests and personality.

• Mouse: Indecisive, defers to others (e.g., "What do you want to eat?").
• Lion: Takes charge, makes decisions when the other person is indecisive.

"So when you're Mouse if one person is mouse then to help the relationship progress then one person has to become lion so at that point I'd say you know what Louis I let's do sushi I Love Sushi let's go do that you good with sushi."

• In interactions, one person may need to adopt a more decisive role to move things forward.

• People switch between archetypes (e.g., T-Rex, Lion) depending on the situation.
• Some individuals may predominantly exhibit one archetype more than others.

"These animal archetypes we move between them um we may be one version more so than another one so I know I'm a bit more T-Rex have to work on it I believe you're probably more lying just because of all the things you do you're trying to control everything control your relationships your business deals and so so that the ship doesn't leave without you."

• Understanding these archetypes can help in navigating social and professional interactions.

• Media often highlights extreme personalities like narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
• These terms are frequently misused in everyday language.

"Narcissism sociopath psychopath these personality types are throwing out a lot these kind of words are throwing out a lot and people use them freely you know that's a narcissist that's a sociopath that's a how can you really tell if someone is a narcissist a sociopath or a psychopath."

• Mislabeling someone with these terms can be problematic and inaccurate.

• True narcissism involves specific criteria, including lack of empathy and remorse.
• Antisocial disorders (sociopath, psychopath) are characterized by a lack of empathy and self-focus.

"When we look at true narcissism there's criteria you have to meet and there's certain criteria lack of empathy is one they don't feel bad lack of remorse now when you look at serial killers or people who commit certain types of crime that's falls under antisocial disorder."

• These disorders are more prevalent than often assumed, with some research suggesting one in 25 people may exhibit these traits.

• Social media has increased self-focus and decreased empathy.
• The culture of "me, me, me" is prevalent, particularly in the United States.

"The United States predominantly I can't speak to other countries as much is a very identity culture mhm we're all me me me me me I feel like this my feelings need to be validated I need this I need that and then with that um social media has made us more self-focused rather than outward Focus."

• Lack of face-to-face interactions and community building exacerbates these issues.

• Lack of social connection leads to decreased empathy and increased likelihood of harm.
• Social media and constant negative news consumption contribute to this disconnect.

"When we don't feel connected to people we have a lack of empathy we fear or don't like the other and we are more likely to cause harm to the other."

• Building real-life connections and community is essential for empathy and social cohesion.

• Therapy should balance discussing problems with strategies for moving forward.
• Constantly reliving negative experiences can be detrimental to mental health.

"If I sit and I always talk about my problems and I relive them and I retell them and then I get emotionally upset what kind of head space am I in."

• Effective therapy should aim to help individuals move past their issues, not dwell on them.

• Personal experiences, such as surviving traumatic events, can shape one's outlook on life.
• Acceptance and finding positive aspects in negative experiences are crucial for mental well-being.

"I went through September 11th I was in the World Trade Center I survived I was you were there during it I was I was there my I had colleagues who died uh friends who died I was almost killed if I sat and I retold that story and relived it I would be a mess how am I ever going to move past it."

• Using traumatic experiences as a source of strength and appreciation for life can aid in personal growth.

• Initial Response to the Attack:
  • The speaker was not in the towers but went to help after the first plane hit.
  • The second plane hit as they were trying to enter the towers, causing debris to fall on them.
  • They started triaging people, determining who needed immediate medical attention and who could be moved out of the area.

"When the first plane hit, we went to go help, and then as we were going into the towers, the second plane hit."

• Emotional and Psychological Impact:
  • The speaker thought they were going to die as the tower began to collapse.
  • They prayed and accepted their fate, which later helped them appreciate life more.

"I sat there on the street and I was like, 'I’m going to die.' I really thought it."

• Long-term Health Concerns:
  • The speaker is part of the World Trade Center Health Monitoring Program due to exposure to harmful substances.
  • They undergo annual screenings for cancer, which is more aggressive in those exposed during 9/11.

"The chances of me getting cancer... it's just more ferocious and vicious."

• Therapeutic Approaches:
  • The speaker emphasizes not dwelling on past traumas but using them to improve the future.
  • They advocate for therapy that focuses on future preparedness rather than reliving past events.

"If I go to therapy and all I do is talk about that on a consistent basis, how well do you think I’m going to do?"

• Finding Meaning and Moving Forward:
  • The speaker finds value in appreciating life and not letting a single traumatic event define them.
  • They stress the importance of not getting stuck in the past and using experiences to improve oneself.

"I want to take what I experienced and bring that experience into my life, and now I appreciate my life."

• Group Therapy Experience:
  • The speaker was mandated to attend group therapy by their employer, but found it unhelpful.
  • They preferred to volunteer at Ground Zero, which provided a more meaningful form of therapy.

"We went around the room and each person told their story... for me, it didn’t work."

• Service as Therapy:
  • Helping others at Ground Zero served as a therapeutic experience for the speaker.
  • They believe that being of service to others can provide a therapeutic release and help avoid depression.

"I volunteered and spent a couple of weeks down at Ground Zero helping other people."

• Rationalizing Harmful Actions:
  • People often justify harmful actions to themselves, making it easier to cause harm without feeling guilty.
  • The speaker shares examples from their experience as a criminal investigator to illustrate this point.

"You can sell anything to yourself if you want to."

• Case Study: Internal Bank Fraud:
  • An employee justified stealing money from a bank by claiming it wasn't properly secured.
  • This justification shows how people rationalize their actions to avoid feeling guilty.

"If that money was so important to them, why didn’t they lock it up?"

• Labeling Behavior, Not People:
  • The speaker advises labeling behaviors rather than people to make clearer, more rational decisions.
  • Emotional ties can muddy judgment, so focusing on behavior helps in making better choices.

"Label what they show you... that’s what’s going to show you what’s going on."

• Advice on Relationships:
  • The speaker suggests that understanding behaviors can help in making better relationship decisions.
  • They emphasize the importance of seeing actions clearly without the interference of emotional complexities.

"Forget who the person is, what did they do? If you label the behavior, you’ll make better choices."

• Therapeutic Impact of Service:
  • Both speakers agree that helping others can be a powerful form of therapy.
  • Service helps individuals gain perspective on their own problems and find meaning in their experiences.

"It’s really hard to be depressed when you’re in service to someone else."

• Acceptance of Life’s Realities:
  • The speaker acknowledges that harm is a part of life but stresses the importance of awareness and preparedness.
  • They advocate for moving through life with an understanding of its complexities and uncertainties.

"I’m not expecting it, but when it does happen, I have the understanding that these people exist in the world."