3 ways to resolve a conflict | Dorothy Walker | TED Institute

The transcript discusses the concept of energy transference, emphasizing how personal moods and attitudes can influence others positively or negatively. The speaker, who pursued a PhD in dispute resolution, shares insights from interviews with professional mediators, highlighting that positive energy transference is both innate and learnable. The speaker outlines a three-step approach to conflict resolution: preparation, diffusion, and agreement. By preparing thoughtfully, asking neutral questions to diffuse tension, and reaching consensus through positive energy, individuals can mediate conflicts effectively. The speaker underscores the importance of compassion and empathy in resolving disputes.

• Energy transference refers to the way personal feelings, moods, and attitudes can affect those around us.
• Positive energy can uplift others, potentially shifting their mood from negative to neutral or neutral to positive.
• Negative energy can similarly influence others, potentially making them upset or perpetuating a negative atmosphere.

"Your energy and emotions are contagious. We transfer our energy to each other all the time. For better or for worse. Often without realizing it."

• This quote highlights the involuntary and pervasive nature of energy transference, emphasizing its impact on interpersonal interactions.

"The people around you can feel your positive energy. And it can even shift their energy from negative to neutral, neutral to positive."

• The quote illustrates the transformative potential of positive energy in altering the emotional state of others.

• Personal anecdotes illustrate energy transference, such as a veteran's homecoming, affecting both those present and observers.
• Observations in social settings, like a grumpy co-worker affecting a conference room or an energetic sports fan influencing a group, demonstrate energy transference in action.

"The other day I watched a YouTube video where a veteran came home to surprise his wife and young children. There were tears rolling down everyone's cheeks."

• This example underscores how emotional events can resonate deeply with observers, illustrating the contagious nature of emotions.

"Maybe you've seen how one grumpy co-worker can sink the mood of an entire conference room of people."

• This highlights how negative energy can spread in professional settings, impacting group dynamics and productivity.

• Long-standing disputes often perpetuate pain and suffering, demonstrating the negative impact of unresolved conflicts.
• The speaker pursued a PhD in dispute resolution to explore alternative conflict resolution methods.
• Interviews with professional mediators and facilitators were conducted to gather insights into effective conflict resolution strategies.

"I have seen how long-standing disputes have circled around the world endlessly. Leaving so much pain and suffering."

• This quote emphasizes the detrimental effects of unresolved conflicts and the need for effective resolution methods.

"So in my research I interviewed 11 professional mediators and facilitators. They had decades of experience with major companies."

• The quote indicates the speaker's commitment to understanding and improving conflict resolution through expert insights and research.

• Positive energy transference is both an innate ability and a skill that can be learned to resolve conflicts effectively.
• It can be applied in various situations, such as formal mediations, workplace conflicts, arguments between friends or strangers, and even domestic disputes.
• The success of conflict resolution through positive energy transference depends on the willingness of all parties involved to work towards a resolution.

"They all agreed that positive energy transference is an innate ability and a learnable skill. One that you can use in your daily life."

• This quote emphasizes the dual nature of positive energy transference as both a natural ability and a skill that can be cultivated for everyday conflict resolution.

"To succeed, all parties of the conflict must want to work it out."

• The quote highlights the necessity of mutual willingness among conflicting parties to achieve successful conflict resolution through positive energy.

• The willingness of all parties to resolve the conflict is crucial; without it, mediation cannot proceed effectively.
• An anecdote from the speaker's personal experience illustrates the importance of willingness in mediation, as demonstrated by a failed attempt at marriage counseling.

"In my first marriage we went to a divorce counselor and the first question she asked was. Do you want to work this out? I said, 'no not really.' So she said, 'well sorry I can't help you.'"

• This quote provides a personal example of how a lack of willingness to resolve a conflict can halt mediation efforts before they even begin.

1. Prepare: Avoid entering a conflict when emotions are high; instead, set a future date and time for mediation.
   • Preparation allows emotions to settle and energy to deflate, creating a conducive environment for positive energy transference.
   • Shifting positive energy into the mediation process is essential for a peaceful resolution.

"One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a mediator is to jump right into a conflict when the emotions are high."

• The quote underscores the importance of timing and preparation in mediation, suggesting that immediate engagement in conflict can be counterproductive.

"Whenever possible, the best bet is to set a future date and time. When the emotions and energy can settle and deflate giving you the opportunity to get ready for the conflict."

• This quote advises mediators to allow time for emotional cooling, which facilitates the introduction of positive energy into the conflict resolution process.

• Mediation involves creating a conducive environment for discussion, which includes scheduling a convenient time and ensuring a comfortable setting to avoid distractions.
• The mediator must remain neutral and bring positive energy into the mediation, which can be achieved through practices like meditation.
• The goal is to facilitate communication and resolution by diffusing negative energy and fostering collaboration between parties.

"You think it's a crazy idea to tie a rope around your ankles and jump off a 500 foot bridge. But you can't say that because you're the mediator."

• The mediator must maintain neutrality and refrain from expressing personal judgments, even if they have strong opinions about the situation.

"You schedule a time that's convenient for everyone. You meet in the most comfortable room that has no distractions. You make sure that everyone has a glass of cold water."

• Setting up a distraction-free environment and ensuring comfort is crucial in mediation to facilitate open and focused communication.

• The second step in mediation is to observe, listen, and ask questions that help diffuse conflict and guide the parties towards collaboration.
• Neutral questions encourage reflection and can help reduce negative energy, making room for positive interactions.
• The mediator's role includes shifting the conversation from conflict to collaboration by strategically using questions.

"In step two you want to observe, listen and ask questions to diffuse the conflict and move it towards a collaboration."

• Observing and listening are key to understanding the underlying issues, while questions can help steer the conversation towards resolution.

"Asking neutral questions will make people stop and think. During this pause, we'll allow negative energy to start diffusing."

• Neutral questions create pauses that help reduce tension and allow participants to consider their positions more thoughtfully.

• The speaker shares a practical example from their experience as a project manager dealing with a conflict over a major software installation.
• A change in vendors requested by a client led to a conflict between groups involved in the project.
• The mediator's task is to engage all parties with neutral, non-threatening questions to address issues like cost and timeline.

"For example, I was a project manager and we were installing a major software system for a payroll system. The contracts and schedules were finalized, and the client requested a major change in the vendors."

• This example illustrates a real-world scenario where mediation skills are applied to resolve conflicts in a professional setting.

"Ask questions like, 'Well how much will this cost?' and 'When can we expect this to be completed?'"

• These questions focus on practical aspects of the conflict, helping to clarify concerns and guide the discussion towards finding solutions.

• Emphasizes the importance of suggesting collaboration to resolve conflicts effectively.
• Encourages asking for opinions on new changes to make individuals feel validated and involved.
• Suggests exploring multiple possibilities to shift focus from fixed viewpoints to new ideas.

"This will give you the intent that you're suggesting a collaboration."

• Highlights the approach of suggesting collaboration to convey intent and openness to working together.

"And you're going to ask what do you think about this new change? This will help people diffuse and feel like they are validated."

• Suggests engaging others by asking for their thoughts on changes, which helps in making them feel acknowledged and valued.

"And also ask, 'Are there other possibilities that we haven't considered?' This will refocus on new ideas rather than fixed points of view."

• Encourages exploring alternative ideas to move away from entrenched positions and encourage creative solutions.

• Stresses the significance of reaching a consensus once emotions have settled and energy is neutral.
• Highlights the necessity of formalizing agreements, whether verbal or written, to prevent misunderstandings.

"So when the smoke has cleared and the stone faces begin to melt, that's time to get a consensus."

• Describes the optimal timing for reaching consensus as when tensions have eased and parties are more receptive.

"Once that's completed you have that positive energy going for you. So, step three: Step three is to make an agreement."

• Emphasizes the importance of formalizing an agreement to harness positive energy and ensure clarity.

"And once the energy is neutral that's time to get a consensus. In a verbal or written agreement."

• Reiterates the need to reach consensus and formalize it to maintain neutrality and prevent future conflicts.

• Provides a real-life example of mediating conflict among college roommates to illustrate practical application.
• Demonstrates the importance of specific steps and written agreements in resolving interpersonal conflicts.

"I co-mediated conflict between three college roommates. And we discussed everything from who would take out the trash on which days to how they would use the open living space."

• Shares a practical example of mediating a conflict to show how structured discussions can resolve everyday issues.

"And even though this was a mediation between friends we still wrote up a written agreement with specific steps to make sure there was no misunderstandings."

• Highlights the importance of written agreements, even among friends, to ensure clarity and avoid future disagreements.

• Advocates for using positive energy, derived from compassion, empathy, and sincere intentions, to resolve conflicts.
• Believes in the potential for resolution in all conflicts if there is a willingness to try.

"I believe that there's a resolution to all conflicts. It just takes a willingness to try."

• Expresses confidence in the possibility of resolving conflicts with the right mindset and effort.

"Your positive energy. That comes from your compassion, empathy, and sincere intentions and it's your desire that sets it in motion."

• Emphasizes the role of positive energy, driven by empathy and genuine intentions, in facilitating conflict resolution.

"So I believe that everyone can use their positive energy to resolve the next conflict in their life."

• Encourages individuals to harness their positive energy to effectively tackle and resolve conflicts in their lives.